I Really Miss French Fries

I miss French fries. 

I miss potato chips.  

I miss cold beer. 

I miss warm chocolate lava cake. Especially since Costco started carrying it in these adorable individual ramekins that are ready in the microwave in less than one minute. 

I miss these foods because I decided to cleanse my body of all junk food and bad eating habits that I developed over the last holiday season. 

I have been watching documentaries and reading articles and books on the latest new theories on eating for optimal health. As an added bonus, I might shed a few unwanted pounds… and what middle-aged woman doesn’t want to lose a few?

So I went on a modified Keto/Paleo/Whole30/low-carb-high(good)fat program. This means:

No alcohol

No sugar

No bread or pasta 

No grains (wheat, corn, rice, etc.)

No potatoes

No artificial anything

No fruit (except some berries)

No fun

The good news is that you don’t count calories or portions. You eat lots of veggies, healthy oils (avocados, olives, coconut), meats, eggs, fish, seafood, and nuts (no peanuts or cashews). Macadamia nuts have been the most fun to eat without any guilt. My number one goal was to reduce inflammation in hopes that my muscles and joints would hurt less. Soooooo... 35 days, 16 hours and 20 minutes later (but who’s counting?!), here are my results:

I lost a whopping THREE pounds. I know. I know. Totally ridiculous.

My joints hurt exactly as much as they did a month ago. That should have been a deal breaker right there.

My neck has been stiff for weeks and is still tight as a drum. My chiropractor, however, is very happy as I currently have him on speed dial.

I don’t sleep any better. Which sucks.

My hair is no shinier. Maybe if I put the coconut oil ON my hair instead of IN my food, I might have had better results.

My nails didn’t grow any faster. So, my dream of being a hand model isn’t going to happen.

My skin isn’t less wrinkled. But if it were, I would be writing my own diet book and be making millions.

I didn’t suddenly win the Pulitzer… nor an Oscar. 

And sadly, I am just as neurotic. Well, no one thought that was going to change. Although, there is a theory that my underlying neurosis might actually be the root cause of my muscle tension. But we’ll explore that in another post.

And in spite of my unremarkable results of junk food deprivation, I actually DO feel better in a whole host of unexpected ways -- I am calmer. I have a lot fewer sugar cravings... and I have a lot more energy. So, believe it or not, I am going to keep it going for a little longer. I don’t know if I am doing it out of self-preservation or due to some kind of masochistic tendencies.

I had one friend recommend that I stop eating nuts to reduce inflammation. Another friend told me to stop eating tomatoes. One doctor told me to stop drinking carbonated water. Another one told me to stop playing tennis. I have tried everything, but my muscles are still tight and my joints hurt. But I remain open to suggestions. So, if anyone has a (natural) magical cure, I'm all ears.

My favorite comment, since I started this dietary program, was from a friend who simply said:   

“You lost me at no alcohol.”