Trying to be Zen.
I am having trouble being Zen today. Maybe because it's Monday.
I am not in control today.
My daughter is still sick. Her mystery illness and her all-encompassing symptoms are choking me. They are choking me with anxiety and my inability to fix it. To fix her. To fix the situation.
So it comes down to "control." I can't control her illness, her symptoms, her sadness, nor her state of mind.
I flew to LA to be with her. To distract her. To feed her. To entertain her. I was only successful for a few hours where she was not nauseous and did not vomit. We went for mani/pedis, meditation training and even out for dinner. But the wonderful day came to a grinding halt when dinner didn't go down well and certainly didn't stay down. The vomiting cycle started again and so did the panic, depression, frustration, and weakness. This, in turn, made me feel helpless and out of control.
Six days have passed and she can barely eat. She gets weaker by the day and more frustrated than ever. She even stopped meditating.
I gave her the gift of meditation training and, less than three days after I left, she stopped practicing. I don't know if she stopped because she doesn't feel well enough to meditate. Or because she just doesn't like it. She said it was helping, but then it wasn't. The whole experiment lasted less than one week. I was too attached to the outcome.
I am too attached to the outcome.
In order to be Zen, you can't be attached to outcome.
You have to be ok with whatever it is.
But I am NOT ok with whatever it is.
I am agitated. I am angry. I am sad. I am unmoored. I am not in control.
I like control, but maybe that is the problem. If I was more detached from the outcome, then perhaps I would have more control? At least of myself... if nothing else.
I have a sign in my office.
It does not say Be A Patient.
It does not say Be The Patient.
It just says Be Patient… I am trying.