Why Am I Not Exhaling?

I have been reading a lot. Autobiographies and biographies mostly. I forgot that I like to read. I am also reading fiction. Not a big fan of fiction... unless of course it reads like non-fiction. I think that means, I really like autobiographies. Memoirs. Stories about people's lives.

Maybe that's the psychologist in me. I like hearing people's stories. I like hearing about people overcoming adversity and finding a theme to their life. Or better yet a purpose or calling.

I think we all are searching for meaning and purpose. We all want to be great at something... even when we feel like we are often failures. Age gives you the perspective to discover that we are all good at something. It might be something small, but we can still be experts in that.

I am very good at organizing things. Not everything, but I like order. I like order so much that one might call it a "disorder." Organization helps me think clearly. It makes me feel productive. It defines me. It also makes me crazy because, as much as I like order, I hate chaos. Since life is more often chaotic, I find myself feeling agitated a lot.

I was watching Jimmy Kimmel the other night. President Obama was his special guest. Obama has this cool ease about him now. You can see the visible exhale. You can see the sly sense of humor. You can see the horse on the way back to the proverbial barn. Kimmel said something like, "You are kind of coasting now." Obama said, "Well, I don't want to jinx it. I still have a few months in office." That's how I feel!  But how come Obama looks more relaxed than I do?

So why am I not exhaling? What am I afraid of jinxing? Did I just compare my career in television to being the leader of the free world? Oy.

When I talk to my friends from my old job, I listen to them talk about the endless meetings, the scripts, the corporate off-sites to discuss the brand, the re-brand, the strategy, the new direction, the post-mortem of failed shows and the endless politics of structure and restructuring. I can't believe that was ever my life and I am so grateful to be out of it.